Originally written: 2012.10.21

Warnings: Not for readers under 16.  Contains disturbing themes.

It was first a thought
A spark of wonder
Nothing to be concerned with
Over time, this thought of mine
Grew louder in my mind
Much harder to ignore
Soon it was always there
Always asking, always wondering
How it would feel

Would I give up
Before I even tried?
Did I have the guts
To see it through?
Would my hands be steady
Or would they shake horribly?
Would my eyes be tightly shut
Or wide open and watching?
Days became weeks,
Which then became months
And soon those changed to years
Still my thought haunted me
Torturing me day and night
It is no wonder
After all this time
That I had to try?

It took even longer
After I decided
To find the perfect one.
I spent my time looking
No need to rush myself
I only had one chance
It was seven months later
I found what I needed
But things take time
I couldn’t start yet
I had to watch, wait, and learn.

I first met you face-to-face
Five days after your divorce
Your favourite coffee house
Having become your sanctuary
I brought you a cup of tea
Asked you if I could sit here
And listened to you spill your heart
I knew you would do that,
I knew everything about you.
Soon you thought us friends
I was your comfort,
A shoulder to lean on
When life grew too hard

The first time our lips met
You apologized after
I assured you I didn’t mind
And returned the gesture
After that, the relationship we had
Changed in a way that excited me
The closer you moved to me
The closer my goal moved as well.

It was just a year later
That the time finally came
For me to follow through
And see what I could do.
You came home after class
To the home that we had shared
You books set on the table
Your bag on a dining chair.
You came into the bedroom
Thinking me asleep
But I was not, I was waiting
I grabbed you tightly
And before you knew it
I had you pinned to the floor.

I remember your eyes
As reality sank in
I was not going to love you
This was not for pleasure.
I brought in a chair
Securing you to the metal frame
And opening my journal
To a clean page.
I wanted to write down
How this event would feel
For that is what I needed
To find out how this felt
To take another’s life.

I started off slowly
Making shallow cuts
To test my resolve.
I found that I was fine,
So I went a little deeper
Drawing more of what you were
To the surface, to my sight
But it still wasn’t enough.
All night long, we spent the time
Learning how far I could go.
When I released what was left
From your steel prison,
I had my answer.
I was able to go as far
As I wanted to, and more.

Now I sit here writing this,
From the comfort of my cell.
My trial is tomorrow,
But I do not regret.
For I have found my answer,
I have tested my limits,
I have learned patience.
Something my dearest mother
Always wished I could learn.

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