Patience

Originally written: 2012.10.21

Warnings: Not for readers under 16.  Contains disturbing themes.

It was first a thought

A spark of wonder

Nothing to be concerned with

Over time, this thought of mine

Grew louder in my mind

Much harder to ignore

Soon it was always there

Always asking, always wondering

How it would feel

Would I give up

Before I even tried?

Did I have the guts

To see it through?

Would my hands be steady

Or would they shake horribly?

Would my eyes be tightly shut

Or wide open and watching?

Days became weeks,

Which then became months

And soon those changed to years

Still my thought haunted me

Torturing me day and night

It is no wonder

After all this time

That I had to try?

It took even longer

After I decided

To find the perfect one.

I spent my time looking

No need to rush myself

I only had one chance

It was seven months later

I found what I needed

But things take time

I couldn’t start yet

I had to watch, wait, and learn.

I first met you face-to-face

Five days after your divorce

Your favourite coffee house

Having become your sanctuary

I brought you a cup of tea

Asked you if I could sit here

And listened to you spill your heart

I knew you would do that,

I knew everything about you.

Soon you thought us friends

I was your comfort,

A shoulder to lean on

When life grew too hard

The first time our lips met

You apologized after

I assured you I didn’t mind

And returned the gesture

After that, the relationship we had

Changed in a way that excited me

The closer you moved to me

The closer my goal moved as well.

It was just a year later

That the time finally came

For me to follow through

And see what I could do.

You came home after class

To the home that we had shared

You books set on the table

Your bag on a dining chair.

You came into the bedroom

Thinking me asleep

But I was not, I was waiting

I grabbed you tightly

And before you knew it

I had you pinned to the floor.

I remember your eyes

As reality sank in

I was not going to love you

This was not for pleasure.

I brought in a chair

Securing you to the metal frame

And opening my journal

To a clean page.

I wanted to write down

How this event would feel

For that is what I needed

To find out how this felt

To take another’s life.

I started off slowly

Making shallow cuts

To test my resolve.

I found that I was fine,

So I went a little deeper

Drawing more of what you were

To the surface, to my sight

But it still wasn’t enough.

All night long, we spent the time

Learning how far I could go.

When I released what was left

From your steel prison,

I had my answer.

I was able to go as far

As I wanted to, and more.

Now I sit here writing this,

From the comfort of my cell.

My trial is tomorrow,

But I do not regret.

For I have found my answer,

I have tested my limits,

I have learned patience.

Something my dearest mother

Always wished I could learn.